Selfishness VS Selflessness

 When you are a military spouse and mom, are you allowed to be selfish?

What makes you the happiest?

  Seems like a ridiculous statement really. To be selfish in general is known to be a flaw. So that alone should tell you to always strive to be "selfless".  But there are so many articles and TV shows that tell you, " Its normal to be selfish every once in a while." "You have to do what makes you happy."

So this is where I'm torn. I'm a stay-at-home-mom and did it for 3 years. I recently got a taste of the work world again, and instantly I was hooked. I loved the feeling it gave me, just that gratifying feeling of being free. Talking with people on my level for once, and just having a different scenery everyday! I loved actually seeing the value of my work coming home on that pay slip. But then there was a feeling of loss..

Everyday I would return home to find my daughter waiting and she would always say the same thing, "I'm so glad you're here mommy!" She would squeeze me with a big hug and this would make me feel like utter poo because I wasn't home with her all day, like I had been prior.

I now was torn. I knew that what I had done for 3 years started to become monotonous and I lost that feeling of "self-worth". I knew in the back of my mind that I was doing the greatest job on earth! I was raising my child! But I still had this feeling looming over me, and it grew more and more until all I knew was monotony and regret. I felt like I was doing nothing now, because all of the challenges that once pushed me had become so easy. I could multitask a thousand things in the day and still wouldn't skip a beat or stress over it. My child was happy and fed. She was very well educated for her age and extremely respectful. So when I finally started work again, I felt empowered. I thought, "Man, I could do this and show my little girl that just cause you're a mom doesn't mean you can't do more." I wanted so badly to show her that I was a great example of not just relying on "daddy" for stability but that mommy could provide that for herself as well. In some ways I even think I lost the idea of what I wanted. I wasn't sure if she was the first thought in mind or if I was doing it for myself. 

This is when that first feeling of being "selfish" came about. See I felt guilty because I knew, if/when "daddy" deployed again, that was already one parent not around for a long amount of time. Now if I'm working, I'm already taking time away from the parent that has ALWAYS been there. It would be wrong of me to work. That would deny her at least stability from one end. Then I would think : But there are single mom's out there who work and their kids come out just fine. But I'm not a single mom. ONLY technically by certain standards -during deployments- so I can' t use that as an excuse. 

But then I think: There are military spouses that work and have wonderful careers, why can't I?! 

Well its not that I can't... I just don't know why I feel so guilty doing it! Is it that overwhelming feeling of being "selfish" or is it my guilt of not loving my job of just being a mom enough to satisfy my need for "self-worth"? Besides, even if I was to have a job.... How hard is it to find a job that lets me take an extended absence for 6 months to a year? A lot of companies, no matter how much they support the military, really can't afford the inconvenience it carries on them. They have to find a person to replace you in that while, and still hope to have a position available for you when you return. That alone makes me feel guilty for even having to ask a person to go through all that for me, just so I can have a job. 

All in all, I guess its what works best for you and what you're willing to go through for it.

It's never selfish to think of yourself for your own happiness. Deciding on what that happiness is though... that's the hard part.

*I did finally find my happiness though. It was 3ft tall and right under my nose. It just took me a while to finally see it. I just couldn't be anything but a mom right now because everything else just seemed so small at the end of the day.*

Accomplishments

Why is it when your significant other is around, you seem to find yourself being the most boring and tedious person?

Many believe that you get into a "rut" when you're with someone for a long time, or when you've run out of new and exciting things to do. It seems we're defined by time. Almost as if we lose our sense of self worth, all because of familiarity. You see married couples in their 5th, sometimes 6th year, and they just seem more like roommates then two people who love each other. It's almost like living with a brother or sister, whom you have occasional sexual encounters with. *Not to say marriage is incest, just looks to be as comfortable and as natural as siblings.*
But the day either of you is gone from one or the other, the old "fun" you seems to appear.

You seem to find yourself cleaning more, or even letting loose more about trash. Finding out what you really enjoy and don't enjoy, while the other isn't around. This never seems to happen when one or the other is just off at work, or some other activity during the day or a certain amount of hours, but when its at least a days worth and you really have time to just think for yourself. You almost wish you were that person more often when the other person's around. Every time you try though, it always seems to back fire and you look more like somethings wrong then you trying to be that "fun" you again.

Does marriage end up defining a person's personality? Or does it allow you to get so comfortable, you just stop trying to be happier each day, and allow yourself to be content?

The 4 month milestone???

Statistics claim that at 4 months a baby is safe to experiment with rice cereal.

I on the other hand believe that the child can tell you when they're ready.

Take my daughter for example. She had hit her 3 month mark and during the night time feedings NOTHING seemed to fill her up for long, when previously I was able to feed her and have her sleep for at least 4-5 hours. She won't take a bottle, since I exclusively breast feed, so supplementing with formula was near impossible. I took the initiative to start her on the rice cereal at 3 1/2 months just to see if it helped.

I tried and ...

1. She didn't know what was going on, since the only form of food she's had was my breast.
2. She thought it had an odd taste and gave me a look like I was insane if I thought she was going to eat this for much longer.
3. Her tongue thrusting was making it impossible to get her food to go back in her throat.

Yes, I do know that the first time anyone tries anything, they'll always be hesitant and not always the best at it. So I decided that giving it a few days to at least a week should help. Well the sleeping didn't change for the first week, but she started to learn to swallow things little by little. She still didn't like the rice cereal though, so with a week shy away from her turning 4 months, I bit the bullet and mixed in some sweet carrots in with the rice cereal.

She was immediately IN LOVE with the baby food. She was opening her mouth every time I had another spoonful and she was making the "num num" sound when I would put more into her mouth. As well as, that night she went to bed at 9pm, woke up at 1am for a quick filler, then was out until 9:30am.

Regardless of what other mothers seem to think, a child definitely can tell you when they're ready, you just have to learn to listen.
If you'd like to go by doctors standards: Great, they are there for a reason.
But I know that motherly instincts can speak louder then a PHD, at times. I'm just learning day by day to dissect those instincts, among my own impatience.